Sports Curmudgeon 9/5/02
 









  Shawn Kemp signed with the Orlando Magic. In the AP story that reported this factoid, Kemp is described as a "troubled power forward" and the Magic are said to be "taking a gamble to shore up their thin front line". Let me say categorically, no front line with Shawn Kemp on it can be categorized as "thin". To get from one side of his butt-crack to the other side requires a suspension bridge! Kemp brings a drug history to Orlando along with his 300 - 350 lb mass. Kemp says he feels he has always had a great relationship with coach Doc Rivers; unless he stays clean and sheds a minimum of 50 lbs, that great relationship should be headed for the rocks. And if you ever took a picture of Shawn Kemp standing on a rocky shore, you could caption the picture:
    Stuck between a rock and a fat place
The German man who was arrested for stalking Serena Williams has pleaded guilty to stalking and is being sent home to Germany where he will receive "treatment". The judge in the case made it clear that she was only thinking of the safety of the Williams family; the Legal Aid lawyer for the defendant said this was the most desired outcome; the defendant was not permitted to speak in court during the hearing where the plea was entered. Everything is in order here. Now for the kicker. He is 34 years old and lives at home with his parents in Frankfurt and his mother is a psychiatrist. And the "treatment" is supposed to cure all the things that have led him to this status in life? There are two key words to heed here:
    Not happening!!
The Giants lost a close game to the 49ers last night but it was an ominous showing for Giants' fans. The Giants' OL could not get any running game going. The Giants ran the ball 22 times for 43 yards and that will not get the job done. Tiki Barber was the leading rusher with 29 yards on 15 carries and that looks pretty bad until I tell you that 16 of those yards came on a single carry. So for the rest of the night, the Giants' feature back carried 14 times for 13 yards.

Speaking of disappointing losses and what it could portend for the future, the US Team lost to Yugoslavia yesterday on the heels of their loss to Argentina. Not only does this mean that the US Team will not get a medal at these games, it means that the US will have to qualify in order to make the Olympics in 2004. Those qualifying rounds are next year and when the "Basketball USA" could not attract many players to come play in this tournament in Indianapolis, how will they get players to go to some qualifying round games in Qatar? You'll read a lot about how the "best US players were not there". That is objectively true, but ask yourself if there is any reason to feel sure they will be there next time. Iverson? O'Neal? Webber? Payton? McGrady? Bryant? These players always have "other commitments"; what indications do you have that any of them would know what it means to "clear the calendar" for some event in the future?

Michael Finley played against Yao Ming in the tournament and was asked about the #1 pick in the draft. Finley used his in-depth of knowledge of basketball and his sophistication born of his years of experience to proclaim:

    "If he continues to improve, I think he can be a lot better."
The Miami Heat have signed Travis Best to play point guard. Now I am not going to even try to suggest that Best is a great player; he is not even an underrated player. But this is potentially a positive move for the heat because it means they may actually not sign their free agent guard Rod Strickland for next year. Strickland has stunk for years now and has been a locker room virus for what seems like forever, but he still finds employment. His career has had more lives than Shirley MacLane's cat; maybe now it is over?

The Montreal Expos announced their attendance as 2,134 fans to their game last night because that is how many tickets they sold. Phillies' manager Larry Bowa said it reminded him of a B-spring training game; observers estimated that actual attendance at closer to 1,000 people. Whether it is by contraction or by moving the franchise, it is time to bring this soap opera to a close. Yes, attendance goes down in September for teams that are "out of the running"; yes baseball attendance is flat over the last ten years despite adding four new teams. Nonetheless, this city just does not give a rat's ass about baseball and it should not stay there. The owners have tried to keep franchises from being peripatetic and there are some good reasons to do that. None – and I repeat, none – of those good reasons apply to Montreal. The buzz is that the team will move to Washington or Northern Virginia. I am skeptical that it will survive in that area for very long, but it will have to be a better venue than Montreal. The only saving grace is that this happened in September after the minor league season is over or else some stat freak would have gone around to all the minor league games played on the same night and counted how many minor league games drew more fans. And the number might have been in the 50s…

Duke has a commitment from Kris Humphries to go there starting next year and play basketball for the Blue Devils. Humphries comes from Minnesota and has just begun his senior year in high school but he is also enrolled at his local community college where he is taking an additional course in each semester. I will boldly predict that Coach K will not have to worry about "academic eligibility issues" with Mr. Humphries.

Finally, the Atlanta Falcons cut safety Perry Phenix. I can't understand why the Cardinals did not sign him immediately.

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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