Here is why I won't keep up any interest in the Olympics that this might engender. These are actual competitions that will be underway in Sydney as "demonstration sports" or "time killers" or "whatevers": Trampoline Tumbling, Synchronized Diving, Women's Pole Vault ( I won't go on a rant there because it is just too damned easy), Tae Kwon Do, Triathalon, Women's Modern Pentathalon, Rhythmic Gymnastics and Women's Water Polo. What would be next in 2004? Synchronized Barfing? Spastic Gymnastics? Why not an Olympic medal for a dog show competition? I'm sure my good friend Maude would love that. She refused to be part of our "Iditarod pool" - three full years before Las Vegas even thought about using that as a betting event - because she was afraid that the dogs would get cold paws and be uncomfortable.

Memo to Maude: They call them Siberian Huskies for a reason. They have had cold paws for the last 800,000 years; they like it that way. If they didn't like the cold, they would have found a way to migrate to Panama in those intervening years and be known as "really big Chihuahuas."

Another comment on Dennis Miller and MNF needs to be made. Several columnists around the country are staying on Dennis' case and complaining about his presence in the booth. But these columnists have to walk a very fine line. They criticize him for making references to "artists" and a "suffragette" that they claim most people won't get. But none seem to admit that THEY had to run to the encyclopedia to find out what the reference was. They have to appear to be the vox populi without admitting that they had no idea what Dennis was saying until someone told them. Otherwise, they would lose the ability to pontificate on some arcane sporting point like the importance of sweeping sunflower seed shells from the dugout area at least three times a game to prevent clogging of spikes on the way to the on deck circle. Who would believe a pompous columnist if the columnist actually admitted that he did not get a joke told by a supposedly pompous comedian???

I don't pretend to get every Dennis Miller reference the moment he utters it. And that is not offensive. To a small extent, Dennis Miller has made watching MNF safe for people who live their lives under the right hand side of the bell curve. And if columnists find that offensive, then maybe we can figure out where they reside under the omnipresent bell curve?

Troy Aikman does not start on Sunday. But Dallas plays Arizona and this is a game between two teams that are devastated by injuries. Don't be surprised if Alan Alda tosses the coin before this game. And by the way, since when did Jerry Jones get a medical degree? He is talking about the injuries and the prognosis for Cowboys' rehab and possible playing time with an air of insight that is frighteningly shallow. Would you let this guy decide what brand of facial tissue you might choose into which you might blow your nose? I wouldn't.

Do you find it amazingly coincidental that Charlie Batch's knee was not ready for last Sunday's game; but now that his contract extension (4 years and $31M with a mongo signing bonus) is completed, his knee has reached the threshold where he can find his way to the huddle? I wonder if the knee might have healed just a tad quicker if Mike Tomczak had not been hurt and had been available to the Lions for QB duty? Remember that the only difference between a cynic and a realist is whether or not you agree with him.

The Houston NFL team will be called the Texans. Let me catch my breath for a moment. According to one of the talking heads on ESPN, the other contending names were Stallions, Wildcatters, Apollos and Bobcats. Looking at that list, they all stink. But having been to Houston, I guess that some of the quick associations would not be good names either such as:

Houston Humidity or

Houston Mosquitos (big enough that they need landing lights)

A Virginia high school football player died in practice. The medical analysis was heat stroke. The temperature at the time of the practice was 77 degrees and he collapsed less than 30 minutes after practice started. So the first thing you think is that the kid was not an athlete and had a problem, right? Not quite, he had made the all-state team as a junior last year.

There has been a brouhaha in the Greco-Roman Wrestling world over who will compete for the US team at 167.5 lbs. There have been protests and lawsuits and all that stuff. Fortunately, Justice John Paul Stevens has refused to issue a stay on the existing court order and so the legal hassle will end. Maybe I was not paying close enough attention in my American History class, but I don't recall any part of the Federalist Papers that discussed the important role that the Judicial Branch of the proposed Federal Government would play in settling sports disputes.

Memo to Justice Stevens: Thank you. The only thing you could have added to your decision would have been to tell the attorneys who were bringing this matter to your attention to "say goodnight, Gracie."

There should be two top notch games this weekend as Miami seeks to collect enough frequent flyer miles to give the entire Athletic Department an off-season trip to Fiji. The Hurricanes visit Seattle to play Washington. And Nebraska heads off to South Bend to play Notre Dame. Even if a team manages to win one of these contests by a wide margin, at least the outcome would be in doubt longer than the time necessary for the opening kickoff to come back down.

Here is what is wrong with modern baseball's concocted statistics. Saves are almost trivialized and Holds are just plain dumb. In fact, the basis of awarding Holds seems to be "No Holds barred." Look at yesterday's Mets/Reds game. The Mets led 8-5 going into the bottom of the eighth; the Reds scored 6 runs in the bottom of the eighth and won 11-8. That would be put in the category of a pitching disaster where all the eighth inning pitchers should be given an ice water enema. However, Wendell is credited with a Hold even though he got one batter out while giving up two hits and two earned runs. Next Franco gets a Hold and a Loss in the same game; how can that be meaningful? Franco got no one out and gave up 2 hits and 3 earned runs and a walk and somehow that qualifies as a Hold. Benitez got the last two outs gave up a home run and got a Blown Save for his trouble. Forgetting that the entire concept of a Hold is questionable for a moment, there should at least be short circuit in the statistical rules that says that if the team loses the game, there are no Holds credited.

Speaking of pitching, the Minnesota Twins gave Brad Radke a big contract earlier this season (in excess of $30M as I recall) and there was talk that the Yankees wanted to trade for Radke. As of now, he is 11-14 with a 4.37 ERA. Granted the Twins do not knock down the fences for him, but is this the level to which pitching has sunk? This is a coveted pitcher worth $30M + ???

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...