The NBA season commences. At least there is one piece of sanity present in the league at the opening tip-off. The Sixers have waived Olden Polynice. I guess he showed he was just too "olden". That's what happens when you are three to five years over the hump in the course of a staggeringly mediocre career.
The Atlanta Hawks will play Glenn "Big Dog" Robinson and Shareef Abdur-Rahim at the forward positions. The next defensive stop these two make will be their first. Even with Bill Russell at center, this is a defensive disaster. Any scoring records set in a game between the Hawks and the Dallas Mavericks - who play defense the way Custer interpreted intelligence reports - should have an asterisk placed beside them the minute the final horn goes off.
Vin Baker will be a human embolism at center for the Celtics. Perhaps one of these days, some doctor will win the Nobel Prize in Medicine for perfecting the full-body transplant that Baker needs so desperately.
When the Knicks win fewer games than the Bulls this year, will there be an outcry that they tanked the season to get more ping-pong balls in the draft lottery so that it will not seem "fixed" when they do get to draft LeBron James next summer? Oliver Stone has a screenplay in process already…
The Knicks just gave coach Don Chaney a contract extension. Somehow this seems like a parole board turning down an inmate for release.
Assuming that it would be a good thing to keep it bottled up in California, how about sending the Rally Monkey to the Golden State Warriors? There is a team that needs help tying its shoes.
Several Clippers will be coming up for new contracts next year. That may not lead to a great desire to "share the ball" because that might diminish the stats and come back to haunt the player during imminent negotiations. If that happens, that is a train wreck for the season that was supposed to be a breakout one for the Paper Clips.
ESPN will be doing lots of NBA telecasts this year and they have Brad Nessler and Bill Walton on tap as the lead commentators. What has Nessler done to offend the broadcasting gods? He did games with Vitale for years and now he inherits Walton? Hasn't this man suffered enough?
Assuming that Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady stay healthy, I like the Magic to win the Atlantic Division even with Shawn Kemp's well-larded butt at center. I think that the addition of Dikembe Mutombo will hurt the Nets instead of making them better and I think that the Sixers will devolve to the "Allen Iverson Against the World Show" yet again. Now hear this; the Washington Wizards will make the playoffs this year. The Celtics are not as good as they were last year. The Heat and the Knicks will just stink on rye.
The Central Division should come down to a race between the Hornets and the Bucks. Milwaukee should be better just because they off-loaded the Big Dog; now if they could find a reasonable way to trade Anthony Mason… The Pacers have lots of young talent but should not be able to mix it up with the top teams here and the Pistons surely hurt themselves by trading Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton. Atlanta guaranteed its fans a playoff berth this year and may have to eat some refunded ticket money and the Raptors look like the Canadian version of the Sixers - one star player and no other help. Remember, the Raptors had anticipated playing Eric Montross at center this year. The Bulls are not playoff ready yet by any means, but they will no longer be the HorriBulls; they will improve to the ToleraBulls. The Cleveland Cavaliers will simply stink on wheat toast.
In the Midwest Division, the Spurs and the Mavs will slug it out and I'll give the edge to the Spurs on the basis that they can actually play a bit of defense. The Mavs are a talented team with a really good coach who just may be able to overcome the burden of their goofy owner this year. The Rockets, Jazz and Timberwolves will battle it out to see who gets playoff slots here. I like the Rockets and Wolves to do it because I just have to believe that Utah's age will catch up with them. The Grizzlies will improve if Jerry West can communicate with fellow West Virginian, Jason Williams, to play NBA basketball and forget the Globetrotter stuff. The Denver Nuggets will stink on a Kaiser roll.
In the Pacific, I like the Lakers until someone proves they can beat them. The Kings have talent but they will have to show me a lot more heart and a lot more poise than they have so far before I put them in the same league with the Lakers. With Shaq out for a while - and assuming that Chris Webber does not self-destruct while prepping for his perjury trial next summer - the Kings could well win the division but that's about it. The Blazers and the Clippers are loaded with individual talent but basketball remains a team game. Here is the question; are the Blazers the Clippers of the north or is it vice-versa? The Sonics and the Suns have a tough road to travel in this division but I'll pick the Sonics to edge out the Suns on the basis of the improvement that has to happen when you rid the team of Vin Baker. The Warriors will stink on white toast with mayo.
Why all this focus on "stinking" you ask? Well, the company that makes Renuzit brand air fresheners is holding an Internet poll in conjunction with AOL to see what stinks most in America. I just wanted to identify the NBA hopefuls in that contest for you in case you are tempted to log on and make your views known to these folks. My vote will go to the armpits of a certain obese TV personality of the female persuasion after she has played a set of tennis in the hot sun. I suspect that odor could make a skunk pass out.
The Kansas City Chiefs won last weekend because their defense held the Raiders to 10 points. Oakland looked unstoppable after reeling off 4 big wins in a row. Now they are 4-3 and two full games behind the Chargers in the AFC West - and the Chargers have beaten the Raiders head-to-head.
The Patriots are either coming apart at the seams or are regressing to the mean with regard to their natural performance level. Against the Broncos the Pats managed only 179 yards of total offense. They've lost 4 in a row now and have to travel to Buffalo next week. Do you think Drew Bledsoe will be just a bit psyched for this one?
The Jets led the Browns by 21-3 and then lost the game. Even on a day when the Jets defense found a way to stop a running game - if that is what Cleveland calls it - the team invented a way to lose. The Jets went 22 minutes without a first down.
With Trent Dilfer out for the season, the rumor immediately started that the Seahawks are calling Jeff George and Elvis Grbac. Now, the Seahawks have signed Jeff George to be their backup QB and according to the press reports he showed up and was very positive in his interview and was already weighing less than he did when he played last year in Washington. They say he showed a love of the game and the Seattle coaches are convinced he is not doing this just for a paycheck. If they have really talked themselves into all this "feelgood fantasy nonsense", then Seattle must now be the capital of the state of Delusion.
The Eagles ran the ball for 299 yards against the Giants on Monday night. That is called domination. Going into the game, the Giants ranked #3 in the NFL against the run. By the way, the Giants are 3-11 for games played immediately after a bye week since 1990. Maybe the coaching staff might want to think about doing something different during the off week next year?
I finally figured out why Tampa Bay needs two guys named Johnson at QB. Brad moves at the speed of dark but can throw accurately. Rob can run but could not hit a target as big as Sally Struthers only 5 yards away. Mix the two and you get … an immobile guy who can't throw; you could call him Scott Mitchell if you like. And for all those who want to gloat that Jon Gruden's offense is no better than Tony Dungy's was in Tampa, the problem is not the coaching; it's the talent. On offense the Bucs are significantly short in the talent dimension.
Just a question here, but after Donovan McNabb yakked on the field in Jacksonville, do you think that the folks at Campbell's Chunky Soup were a bit upset themselves? Or were they considering paraphrasing a Budweiser slogan with, "This chunk's for you." That episode recalls a stunt I was involved with during my high school days involving a hot water bottle full of vegetable soup under the front of a shirt and a large diameter glass tube sticking out where a necktie would normally be and a scene in the cafeteria and a lot of shrieking and people running away… Call it the three dimensional yawn.
Finally, a word from Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle:
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"Great news! I'm close to perfecting my new version of the Macarena involving leisure suits and thunder sticks."
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