Sports Curmudgeon 9/16/00
 











  Yeah, I know it's Saturday but my dear wife, who has been conditioned to respond when addressed as "You poor dear…", is still taking sailing lessons on The Bay. So I decided to write one of these things. And I have a communication from a long time reader who signs his name one way, but he is far better known as The Lying Weasel. No matter what he says, no amount of help is going to do him any good!
    RE: SC 51 - I believe I speak for the readership - Thank God mooning the torch started in the year 2000, 14,000 miles away, and not as it passed thru Arlington in 1996. I can't get the image out of my head.......I may need to call Dr. Tom for help!!!!

    Regards,
    A Damaged Reader

One of the commentators on MSNBC yesterday was trying to drum up interest and viewership for the Olympics - can't blame him for that - when he said that many American sports fans focus all their attention on only three sports and they need to sample more of the Olympics. The three were track and field, swimming and gymnastics. No one here needs to be reminded that I am not a typical sports fan, but I only focus any attention on track and field in the finals of the events and pay passing attention to boxing, basketball and soccer to see if there is anything really interesting happening there. Now if they found a way to go back to the warlike roots of the games themselves and allowed the archers to shoot at the equestrian riders...

ESPN Magazine has a photo and short bio of one of the US Women's weightlifters named Cheryl Hayworth. She is 17 years old and is 5' 9" tall and weighs 305 pounds. They say she can run 5.5 in the 40 yard dash and has a 24 inch vertical jump. She lifts 320 lbs in the jerk. With a few years of working out, she could go 4th round in the NFL Draft. I wonder if Mel Kiper has a file on her yet? I'll bet her prom date will be on his best behavior !!

ESPN Magazine also had a good way of describing the Olympics:

    "The Olympics are a lot like high school: four years of isolation, self-abuse and anonymity. Then, after being judged in every conceivable way, it all comes down to passing gym."
Most of the Internet polls are horrendously stupid because they ask questions with multiple choices that often have no relationship to one another. For example:
    What is the greatest invention of human history?

    a. Green
    b. Clouds
    c. Upside-down cake
    d. Sleep
    e. Myocardial Infarction

But ESPN conducted such a poll and there was actually something interesting to observe from the responses of people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to respond to these kinds of things. It related to Zippy Chippy the horse that is now zero for eighty-seven in his career but who finished second in a race at a Massachusetts County Fair last time out. The poll asked who Zippy Chippy could beat in a race and the results were:
    Gheorge Muresan (21.9%) Tony Kornheiser once said that Eastern European governments fall faster than Gheorge gets back on defense.

    Butterbean (21.2%) He fought last night and strange though this may sound, he has gotten even fatter and slower and needs to be booked - in his 4 round fights - against opponents with either severe asthma or only one leg.

    William "The Refrigerator" Perry (19.8%) Given his bulk and his acknowledge fondness for his mother's fried chicken, he will probably be named Man of the Year by Frank Purdue.

    David Wells (16.3%) David has inherited the mantle from Sid Fernandez as the man most hated by center field camermen. With David on the mound, finding the catcher is no mean feat. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Sid Fernandez was named Man of the Year by the American Association of Caboose Builders.

    Akebono (11.7%) No way the horse outruns this guy. He would do to Zippy Chippy what Alex Karras did to the ox in Blazing Saddles.

    Rich Garces (8.7%) The heir apparent to David Wells in his role as the latter day Sid Fernandez.

For those of you reading this in the Washington DC area, go get this morning's Washington Post (September 16) and read Sally Jenkins' column on the Olympic opening ceremonies last night. If you are reading this elsewhere, you need to go to www.washingtonpost.com and read it there. Let me give you the first paragraph and say simply that it gets even better as it goes along:
    "I'm in an existential funk. The Opening Ceremonies of the Sydney Olympics took place on Friday evening here - and I'm still there trapped in a show called Waiting for G'Day."
It seems that Myles Brand and his wife are "living in fear" from the reaction to the firing of Bob Knight at IU. And the student who "blew the whistle" has also received threatening communications and has "changed his phone number and e-mail address." That'll help! Hooliganism and threats are most inappropriate here and the authorities need to find a way to put a stop to it. But President Brand's wife is a professor of philosophy at IU and she says she does not understand all of this. Excuse me, but it is not hard to understand it; you may not like it; you may want it to stop; you may even condemn the hormone-laden goofs that are being threatening to you and your husband; but this is not nearly as complicated as Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason which you expect undergrads to read and understand and give a rat's ass about.

And buried in the AP story about the Brand's stressful life these days, is a small filler item that makes you wonder. It seems that yesterday (September 15) the IU Board of Trustees adopted a code of conduct for coaches and athletes requiring they treat each other with respect and dignity. Let me see, now. Four months ago there was the investigation that led to the "zero tolerance policy" which - according to the trustees and administration - was based on years and years of boorish behavior by Bob Knight. A lengthy report was given to the trustees back then spelling out what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior for athletes and coaches. And it took until yesterday to adopt a code of conduct for coaches and athletes that could have been written by Miss Manners in an hour - or less. None of this excuses or justifies Bob Knight's behaviors. But what took 4 months here?

Wayne Gretzky and a partner are seeking to buy the Phoenix Coyotes in the NHL - or is it a hostile takeover? After watching an exhibition game, Gretzky went to the Coyotes' locker room presumably to talk to players or coaches or maybe - Heaven forbid - to offer some advice to a young player or two. Rumor has it that Gretzky was a pretty good player in his day. He was barred from the locker room by the current owner and GM. The reason given by the current owner was that "They (Gretzky and partner) are trying to pull stuff on me." This does not sound like a transaction that is moving along in the fast lane.

Finally, one more Olympic tidbit. It was reported last night that the World Anti-Doping Agency (the watchdog group that tests athletes to see if they are blood doping just prior to competitions) reported twenty "suspected positive" tests for athletes. A few questions leap to mind here:

  1. If these are "tests" then they are either positive or negative. If there are "suspected positives", how many "suspected negative" tests are there? Do they have a category of results called "Beats the Living Sh*t Out of Us What This Means"?

  2. If the World Anti-Doping Agency were really effective, don't you think that the people of Cincinnati would drag them there to counteract any and all actions of Bruce Coslett?
But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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