Here is the fundamental question of the day. Forget about how to arrive at peace in the Middle East. Forget about global warming. Forget about whether the Ben Affleck/J-Lo marriage will last until the Super Bowl. The thing that all sports fans want to know today is:

After the first week of NFL games, what team soiled itself the worst in its opening game?

The Dolphins lost at home to the Texans. Going into the game the Dolphins were 29-4 in their home openers since the merger of the AFL and the NFL and they had won their last 11 opening games no matter where they were played. Before the game an unidentified Dolphins' player supposedly told some Texans during warm-ups that he would see them “after practice”. Last year, David Carr was sacked a record 76 times and Miami had the NFL sack leader last year; in the game there were no sacks allowed by the Texans. Still, the Dolphins led with less than 3 minutes to play and they had possession. Did they use Ricky Williams to chew the clock? No. They asked Jay Fiedler to throw a deep out pattern and it got picked off. That is a questionable play call if John Elway is the QB; with Jay Fiedler taking the snap, it should be grounds for fining the person who made the play call one full game's pay. I said in my pre-season analysis that Dave Wannstedt was on the hot seat this year. Right now it probably feels like he is sitting on a waffle iron.

Maybe you think the worst performance of the week was the Chicago Bears. It would be hard to argue with that given that they lost by 6 TDs. The Bears' offense had less movement than a constipated man; the Bears' defense stopped the 49ers like a screen door stops a flood. The Bears will be on national TV this Sunday night against the Vikings. Then they get their bye-week. If they lose by 6 TDs again, Dick Jauron may not make it until October with this team. One of the Chicago columnists (I think it was Jay Mariotti, but I'm not positive.) said that Bears' offensive coordinator, John Shoop, is the worst offensive coordinator in the history of that position in the NFL. I would not know about that, but the Bears' offense has been pretty anemic for several years now.

Maybe you think the Patriots stunk out the joint worse than anyone else this weekend. They got shut out and embarrassed by the Bills. The “Lawyer Milloy Incident” appears to have left behind some less than positive vibes in the Pats' clubhouse. Look for the Boston writers to start asking questions about this and then gauge the reaction of Bill Belichick. If you start to see wisps of steam coming from his ears, this could be disastrous. Ask the Cleveland fans for details…

Maybe you think that the Eagles were the biggest embarrassment of the weekend. They too were shut out in their opener - - at home - - on MNF - - in their new playpen. In my preseason analysis, I said that in big games, the Eagles' coaching staff gets ultra-conservative. Other than one flanker-reverse in the first quarter that went for about 25 yards, that was an offensive game plan that was less imaginative than a Woody Hayes' game plan back in the day.

Many prognosticators – including me – projected the Eagles and the Pats to be playoff teams this year. They will meet next weekend and neither one has scored a point yet.

The Rams also stunk out the joint with Kurt Warner giving out fumbles and interceptions like the Easter Bunny. Turns out he had a concussion and had difficulty recognizing the plays called in from the sidelines. But Martz kept him in the game. The last game Warner won was in the NFC championship game against the Eagles prior to the Rams' loss to the Pats in the Super Bowl. I said before that game against the Eagles that he was playing differently and I thought he was hurt then. He certainly did not play like the “old Kurt Warner” from the first snap of the ball on Sunday. I'm not a doctor so I don't know if he is injured; I am certainly not his coach or his confidante. But Kurt Warner is not the league MVP quarterback that he was and is playing “mechanically”.

In the Titans/Raiders game, there were 19 penalties in the first half. There was so much yellow cloth on the field that I thought I had tuned into a Martha Stewart special on decorating. The total penalty yardage in the game was 284 yards. Compare that to the offensive output for several teams last weekend. Scary, huh?

Green Bay may have suffered the worst from their loss on Sunday. Both of their starting WRs, Donald Driver and Robert Ferguson, were injured and the injuries could be serious. Ferguson injured ligaments in his ankle and his knee; Driver was taken off the field with a neck injury and hospitalized. If both are out for a while – or even if they come back relatively quickly but play at a diminished capacity – the Packers' season may have ended just as it was getting started. That is not a team that can win by grinding out the yardage.

In the Saints/Seahawks game Matt Hasselbeck started against Aaron Brooks at QB. Interestingly, they were both backups to Bret Favre in Green Bay from 1999 – 2001. Must have been like old home week.

While Tim Couch was the Browns' starter the Cleveland fans never embraced him. He had no local TV show and was not a big time pitchman for any local businesses. Now with Kelly Holcomb under center, he has his own brand of barbecue sauce and a regular gig on a local TV sports show. Maybe Holcomb is a better businessman or has a better agent? Maybe the fans just don't like Couch? But Sunday against a Colts' defense that will not be confused with the Steel Curtain, the new glamour boy in town put two field goals on the board – period.

Troy Edwards never lived up to the expectations the Steelers' had for him and there were rumblings that he was not the easiest person in the world to get along with. So they cut him. Edwards called the Steelers' coaching staff a “bunch of punks” who cut him because they were too embarrassed to admit that they could not figure out how to exploit his talents. The Rams signed him as a free agent and then cut him just before the season started. Edwards said that the receivers that the Rams kept ahead of him were nothing special. He said, “I just don't see what the people they kept did that was so great,” and with regard to Mike Martz, “It was nothing about my ability. I just wasn't one of his favorite persons.” He then went on to say that the Rams did not understand how to use his talents and that he would never kiss up just to have a job. And indeed, he does not have a job at the moment; but I hear that IHOP is hiring…

Memo to Troy: Since two coaching staffs have been unable to figure out how to exploit your wondrous talents, maybe you should try to explain it to them in terms they might understand? Or don't you know how to do that either?

Finally, here are some things that Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle says he would like to see in the sporting world – just once:

“An athlete says 'God was on our side today,' and while walking to his car is struck by lightening.”

“In an NBA arena, the PA sound system breaks down completely.”

“Kellen Winslow Jr., who calls himself 'The Chosen One,' enters the NFL draft. Nobody picks him.”

“A team owner fires his coach, saying, 'We have philosophical differences. My philosophy is that he sucks.' “

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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