After spending the weekend in single-digit temperatures and sub-zero wind chills with an Internet connection racing along at 21.6 kbps, I have returned to relative warmth. I also have connectivity with the outside world that does not make me think there is someone inside my computer chiseling out each page I seek to view on marble tablets. I did have time to see some sports on TV this weekend; that is the good news.

Soon it will be time for the NBA All-Star Game. You don't need to watch it because it isn't a basketball game; it's a sideshow. But during the weekend gala festival that accompanies the game, you will read about – and maybe see – David Stern's “State of the Game” speech and press conference. Stern will tell you that the game is better than it has ever been and that it is surging in popularity and that it is now a global sport and that the only way the game is going is up, up, and up some more. Balder-bleeping-dash!! Here are some things that Stern will not say nor will he admit to when questioned by some reporters who are not on a short leash:

Attendance at games is down in over half of the NBA cities for the third consecutive year. Teams have been cooking the books on attendance for years by giving away tickets or selling them for pennies on the dollar; now that little secret is out and even under those conditions, sellouts are rare.

TV ratings are down. You had to expect that they would be down a bit by going to cable outlets almost exclusively but they are sagging into XFL territory. Why might that be? Look at this result for a moment:

January 15, 2004:    Raptors 78    Hornets 74    Overtime.

That game put professional players on the floor for 53 minutes and produced 152 points. I like defense more than most people you will ever meet, but that was not about defense, that is about ineptitude and ennui. Lots of high school games can be more entertaining than that.

Look at this partial result for a moment:

January 17, 2004:    Rockets 68    Wolves 45    End of the 3rd Q

When the Wolves put up a shot, they were lucky if it hit the floor.

David Stern will not admit that the “help on the way” is not exactly the cavalry charging to the rescue from his perspective. Dennis Rodman played in his first game with the Long Beach Jam in his quest to get back into the NBA sometime this February. Rodman did not take a shot but he did collect 14 rebounds. That sounds as if he might be serious about his comeback and is committed to the game. The game had a standing-room-only crowd which might sound good to an NBA owner who can't fill his arena even if he sells tickets for $10 a piece as long as you bring along a receipt from a grocery store dated sometime in the last year. Rodman's hair was described as “blond, orange, red and blue” which can only mean that his stylist was out of chartreuse that week. Oh, and one of the people in the crowd was Rodman's old friend, Hulk Hogan. Imagine the look on Stern's face if Rodman and Hogan show up at the NBA All-Star Game. Yes, you've seen that painted on smile before in those Enzyte commercials with “Bob” and his “ever so happy spouse at home”.

Here's another ray of hope for David Stern to look forward to. Wesley Washington was a high school phenom in the LA area last year. He signed to play for the University of Minnesota but there was something “irregular” with his SAT scores and so he was not allowed to enter the school in September. He has been living in Minnesota and working there ("You want fries with that?") and prepping to take the SATs again. He did that in November and December hoping to gain admission to the school and to play on the basketball team this year. He has not yet heard about those test results, which is unusual, and the reason is that he may have registered for the tests incorrectly. Ah yes, another scholar-athlete is on his way to the NBA to bring his wisdom and insight to the game. By the way, if the NCAA is even marginally serious about scholar-athletes, shouldn't there be an automatic one-year disqualification for someone who has already graduated from high school and who cannot register for a test correctly. We're not talking about analyzing Immanuel Kant's Transcendental Aesthetic here…

People have been commenting on the supposed investigation by the FBI into boxing matches that have been fixed. Press reports say that the DeLaHoya/Moseley fight may have been fixed and that lots of undercard bouts may have been fixed too. Even Butterbean's fights may not have been on the up-and-up. Say it ain't so, Bean. I heard someone on Tony Kornheiser's radio program say he was surprised by some of allegations. Here is what I am surprised by:

There is an FBI investigation involving boxing matches that might have been fixed and Don King is not the centerpiece of that investigation.

I read that Sean Salisbury has a chance to be the QBs coach with the Arizona Cardinals. I'm rooting for him to get that job. It's not that I know Salisbury or have any connection with him at all; it is just that I have gotten tired of him screaming at me and whoever is on the set with him at ESPN. As a coach in the NFL, screaming is a critical skill needed every Sunday afternoon. He should be a great coach.

I saw over the weekend that retired sumo wrestler, Konishiki, got married. Konishiki weighs 600 lbs; his twenty-eight year old bride, Chie Iijima, is a medical worker who weighs 112 pounds. Konishiki's reported nickname is “Meat Bomb”. Go and reread those last three sentences. You have to hope – no you have to pray – that his bride is not the one who gave him that name.

Finally, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL recently released a safety named Tom Europe. They replaced him on the roster with a defensive end, Tom Canada. That takes them from a continent down to a country. What's next? Sign someone named Nate Washington and then Nathan Detroit?

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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