In last week's Mythical Picks, I said that Jerry Lee Lewis was no longer with us. Several readers sent along e-mails assuring me that Jerry Lee Lewis is still metabolically active and that he will be celebrating his 69th birthday very soon. [That factoid comes from a reader; I did not bother to go and try to verify it.] So my apologies to everyone here for that mistake; and of course, my apologies to Mr. Lewis himself. All I can say is, “Great Balls O' Fire!”

I want to pass along two very small stories that made the sports sections over the weekend in places you might not have read very carefully. They are linked in a strange way. The first story was an announcement by the Houston Rockets that Calvin Murphy will not be broadcasting their games this season. Last March, Murphy was accused of sexually abusing five of his daughters; the trial date is November 4th. He is on “paid indefinite leave” and if he is cleared of all charges, the Rockets say they have not ruled out his return to the broadcast booth next season.

The second story involves Rutgers University women's basketball player, Shalicia Harris. On July 23rd, Harris pleaded guilty to charges of criminal restraint and making terroristic threats. These charges arose from an incident where Harris punched her roommate and tied her up in a dispute over painkillers. [I couldn't make that up on a bet!] Last week, she was suspended from the Rutgers basketball team.

Now can someone tell me what the Houston Rockets and Rutgers University have been waiting for? I have no problem with the Rockets suspending Calvin Murphy with pay pending the outcome of this trial – which he claims has nothing to do with abuse but is only a dispute over money. But the minute he was indicted for a crime that is certainly not trivial, it should have been clear to anyone with the social consciousness of a compost heap that it would be really awkward for him to be part of the voice of the Houston Rockets until that matter was cleared up. The charges were made in March; he was indicted in July; so how did it take the Rockets so long to figure out that he should not be behind the mike until all of this was resolved? And at Rutgers, we have the situation where Ms. Harris has pleaded guilty to these charges a little more than nine weeks ago. Guilty pleas are arranged in such a way that the accused makes a plea to charges that are lesser than the ones that might be presented at trial; if not, then the lawyer representing her was really “marginally proficient”. So, what took Rutgers University nine weeks to decide that this behavior – now deemed to be criminal in nature – merited a suspension from the team? What was the option? Giving her course credit for something as a criminal justice major?

I know that the NFL season is young, but I think there are five coaches on a hot seat at the moment. The first three share a connection with Miami. Dave Wannstedt's Dolphins are 0-3 and have scored under 8 points per game so far. He has marginal talent at QB and Ricky Williams' defection guaranteed that he would not have the running game that the team had planned to build its offense around. The Dolphins are awful and will continue to be awful. They could fire the coach tomorrow or they could give him a free pass into next season based on the unusual circumstances that set up this team as a punchless offense. Here is how Greg Cote of the Miami Herald characterized the Dolphins before yesterday's loss to the Steelers:

“To recap, the Dolphins have followed an abysmal offseason by starting 0-2; have a really bad offense; have now lost defensive stalwart Larry Chester to the latest season-ending injury; and are led by an unpopular coach with increasingly disenchanted players.”

The second Miami connection is Bruce Davis who used to be at the University of Miami. I had the misfortune of having to watch the Browns/Giants game yesterday and the Browns performance in that game is most properly described as a pants wetting. They were just outright awful and they may rally this year to reach the level of “mediocre”. Davis has fired assistant coaches and maneuvered to get Dwight Clark and Carmen Policy fired in the front office. This is HIS team now and they just plain stink. If he gets fired, it will be justified.

The other Miami connection is Dennis Erickson who also coached at the University of Miami. After an undistinguished four-year stint at Seattle, he somehow rose to the top of the San Francisco list to replace Steve Mariucci. The 49ers are abysmal and they just extended the contract of the GM who assembled this NFL version of the Bad News Bears so he isn't going anywhere soon. Yesterday, the 49ers got shut out for the first time since the 70s and it might not have been as close as the 34-0 score might indicate. That shutout moved the 49ers record to 0-3 and they have lost by an average of 13 points per game. Erickson is a mediocre coach at best.

The other two coaches on the hot seat both have Super Bowl rings and so that might provide some insulation for their little tushies. Mike Martz in St. Louis has come out of the gate at 1-2 with loses to Atlanta on the road and New Orleans at home. This is no longer the greatest show on turf and the defense is giving up an average of 24 points per game. That may not sound awful until you consider that one of the three games was against Arizona! If Martz did not have a Super Bowl ring, he might not last the season.

Finally, Dick Vermeil's Chiefs have underachieved more than just about anyone in the league has. Some folks had them in the Super Bowl; I had them going down to the wire with Denver for the Division championship; their defense couldn't stop a bunch of snails. Their offense is not lighting up the board the way it did in the past and absent an epiphany experience by this team, they are going to finish under .500. In fact, the next soft spot in their schedule isn't until November 7th and it is possible they could only have one win by then. Without that ring on Vermeil's finger, he'd be a goner too.

In news that will certainly have playoff repercussions in the NBA, the Atlanta Hawks have signed Kevin Willis. I can only imagine the stampede that this announcement has caused in Atlanta as fans rush to buy up the remaining season ticket packages. Kevin Willis? Who's next on their signee list, Dominique? Is Tree Rollins in shape? I wonder if a clause in the contract calls for Willis to have a rocking chair at the end of the bench for him when he is out of the game. Willis said in his introductory news conference that he was here because he knew what it takes to win championships. I'll concede that he does for the moment. But so do I; and one of the ingredients is not Kevin Willis.

Speaking of stampeding out to get tickets, there is a sports movie in the offing that may have the most compelling plot line I've ever heard of. The title of the movie at the moment is Balls of Fire – and that recalls the still vertical and taking nourishment status of Jerry Lee Lewis yet one more time – and it is billed as an “East meets West comedy”. The plot revolves around a “washed-up ping-pong champion who must reclaim his skills after being recruited by the government to go undercover and bust a crime lord who hosts an annual ping-pong tournament in which all the losers are executed.” After you ponder the myriad possibilities for such a work of art, you will join me in wondering why screenwriters never win the Nobel Prize for literature. If the Over/Under for this film staying in theaters is 8 days, I'll take UNDER.

Finally, here is Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post describing the Broncos' locker room after losing to Jacksonville:

“Talk about depressing. There were so many long faces in the Broncos' dressing room, it looked like a John Kerry look-alike contest.”

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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