A few weeks ago, I mentioned the ad where Peyton Manning is confused and harried in a hotel corridor and wondered how that might induce me to purchase whatever was being sold by that message. I still see that ad; I still don’t get it. But watching it and actually paying attention to it did get me to focus on other ads that are on the airwaves at the moment and to realize that there are lots of really bad ones out there. You’ve seen them too. Have you focused on how bad they are and felt annoyed or outraged by them? I have.
Let me start with a relatively new one in which Danica Patrick is pitching Peak Anti-Freeze. The tag line is
“When you win, you Peak.”
That’s a cute play on words – I guess – except for the fact that Danica Patrick doesn’t win anything very often. And it also would be a lot more appropriate if she were a bridge player because then it is very true that
“When you peek, you win.”
What is your impression of the young man who spills the tiniest dollop of A-1 Steak Sauce on the barbecue grill and goes to retrieve it with his tongue? If you answered anything less condemning than “moron”, then you probably qualify for a deep discount if you go to a mind-reader’s salon.
How about that commercial for Guinness with all the guys launching themselves against drum heads so they can disintegrate themselves and turn into foam bubbles? That’s always been my goal in life. And then comes the tag line
“It’s alive inside.”
Oh swell! If I drink that stuff that’s alive inside, maybe I’ll contract an intestinal infection and not dare stray more than 10 yards from a toilet for the next 48 hours. If I can’t make it as a foam bubble in life, my second greatest desire is to become dehydrated.
I’m confused about the message in the Snickers ad where the “Viking-look alike guy” gets upset to learn there are no Snickers bars at the gas station; so, he throws a trash can at one of the cars parked there. When informed that they did have dark chocolate Snickers bars, he once again picks up a trash can and heaves it at the same car. And so let me understand correctly here; the message is
“Eat Snickers bars of whatever form of chocolate covering you can lay your hands on and you too can develop uncontrollable anti-social rages?”
And that’s a good thing?
Taco Bell provides us with a glimpse of big brother passing along wisdom to his younger sibling. The cornerstone advice is to always get chili on your nachos. Why not? The nachos will put you in danger of cardiovascular disease but having the chili on top will at least let you go out in a state of flatulence. Makes sense to me that Taco Bell would be spending mega dollars to provide that message…
Then there is the ad where the very anxious mother and children return home in their minivan fearing what awaits them inside the house. This is not a Public Service Announcement about spousal abuse or child neglect; these people are fearful because Dad is cooking dinner that night. Wow; he might be making wombat soufflé; how awful would that be? Instead Dad shows that he “can cook” by ordering a Pizza Hut dinner. Excuse me, but that does not show that he “can cook”; it barely shows me that he can think well enough to figure out what telephone number to call in order to have a decent dinner delivered to the house.
Come to think of it, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell are owned by the same parent company. Could it be there is someone up there in corporate headquarters who thinks either of these ads with their messages is “cute” or “informative”? That’s a frightening thought…
The ads for the competing medicines to treat erectile dysfunction are hardly uplifting. [Sorry, I could not resist that one. It won’t happen again.] But the ones for Cialis are particularly stupid. They end with the allegedly soon-to-be-copulating couple sitting in outdoor bathtubs next to each other. The “twin tubs” have now appeared in at least a half-dozen different places. I’ve been to lots of hotels and motels and resorts on six different continents, but I haven’t run into any of those “twin tubs” yet. Where are they? Oh and where are the pipes that deliver the water to those tubs? I keep looking for them and can’t find them or the faucets they connect to.
There is an ad for Nike Pro where a woman is running in less than wonderful weather conditions and suddenly collapses to the ground seemingly in great pain. A second runner wearing Nike Pro equipment just passes her by and keeps on jogging. Clearly Nike is not targeting the “Good Samaritan Demographic”.
And of course, there is the hugely annoying little girl who roams about with an elephant in tow whispering to people in various venues that “It’s the mirrors.” In the past two months, I bought a flat screen/HD TV for my home. Not one time in the decision making process did I think to myself, “What kind of TV does that saccharinely sweet little brat say I should buy?” And by the way, if you do choose to buy one of them, I hope you have a plan for what to do with all of those elephant droppings you’ll have to deal with in your backyard. I hear it composts very well…
We are coming to that time of year when ads for Holiday Shopping dominate the airwaves. I was offended on the afternoon of Halloween this year when I heard on the local sports radio station an ad for Overstock.com sung to the tune of Jingle Bells. The kiddies had not yet donned their costumes and gone out to extort candy from their neighbors and these folks are trying to sell me stuff via Jingle Bells. I can tell you with 100% certainty where I will NOT be doing any of my Holiday Shopping this year.
And with the arrival of the Holiday Season just around the corner, I’m going to be looking for my first sighting of two traditional ads. When will I see the Budweiser Clydesdales pulling their wagon through the woods and the snow? When will I see the Miller Beer ad with a one horse open sleigh tromping along a road to a decorated house at the end of the lane while I get a persistent camera shot of the horse’s arse? I’m thinking they arrive sometime during football telecasts on the first weekend of December.
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…