Since we will have Round Two of the Congressional hearings into steroid use in baseball starting today, let me give present the one small interchange within the hearings that I really wish would occur. This is the only version of fantasy baseball in which I indulge:
Rep. Chatterbox: Mr. Clemens, I remind you that you are under oath. Are you ever going to play major league baseball again?
Roger Clemens: No.
Rep Chatterbox: Great. Now, can you find a way to disappear, shut up and never bother anyone ever again?
Roger Clemens: I don’t understand the question…
Rep Chatterbox: Sir, I assure you that the American people will be happy to have you keep your face out of their face for all of the rest of eternity if you are no longer a baseball player. In case you misunderstood, the cheers you heard had only to do with your ability to throw a baseball; they did not mean that people love you. They do not.
Roger Clemens: Uh …
Let me try to catch-up with doings in other niches of the sports world. Moreover, allow me to take the easy way out here. I will present you with two short items written by others, which summarize neatly and concisely the scope of what is going on:
“Heard this story before?
“Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona claims that 600 of his personal items — including his FIFA award for best player of the 20th century — that are being used in an ‘M10’ traveling exhibit are rightfully his, and he wants them back. Plan A is the lawsuit he filed against the tour promoter in Buenos Aires.
“Plan B, no doubt, is a phone call to O.J. Simpson.” [Dwight Perry, Seattle Times]
“Marion Jones’ attorneys, desperate to keep her out or prison, say she has suffered enough. For instance, they say sportswriters all over the world have portrayed Jones ‘in the worst light.’ I’m here to make it right. Even though Jones made a mockery of the Olympics, hoodwinked her millions of fans and sought to disgrace anyone who didn’t buy her lies, she looked good in a track suit.” [Scott Ostler, SF Chronicle]
In case you missed it, OJ Simpson is headed back to jail because he allegedly violated the terms of his bail. Supposedly, he contacted one of the other people involved in the incident pending before the court after being told specifically not to do that. A friend said this was a prime example of a star athlete acting out his exaggerated sense of entitlement. That may be; there could be other motivations such as:
Maybe OJ thinks playing prison football with Michael Vick would be a fun thing to do.
Maybe OJ has a thing for Marion Jones and figures she has time on her hands at the moment.
Maybe OJ has a hot lead on the real killers and that lead says they are in the Las Vegas municipal jail.
The Cowboys’ loss to the Giants last weekend was historic in one sense and has been trivialized in another. The historic part is that the NFC’s #1 seed had never lost its first playoff game since the NFL went to the 12-team playoff format. The Cowboys just did that; this team made it to the history books. Much of the rest of the hysteria over their loss is somewhat silly.
Let me tell you what I think of the “Jessica Simpson Factor”. Folks, she is Jessie “the Ditz” Simpson for heaven’s sake; she is not Helen of Troy or Delilah. If every NFL QB who ever “spent leisure time in the company of hot women” were jinxed, then every game would probably wind up as a 0-0 tie. There is a silver lining for the NFL in the Cowboys’ loss; now they can add Jessica Simpson to the Super Bowl halftime show without any fear of jinxing any QB who happens to be in that game. Of course, one would have to ask why anyone would want to have her in the halftime show in the first place…
Terrell “Teardrop” Owens said that the Romo/Simpson dalliance in Mexico was no big deal and that “Teardrop” even bought the plane tix for the lovebirds to atone for jokingly calling Simpson a “distraction” after the Eagles beat the Cowboys in December. Since I do not have access to “Teardrop’s” credit card statements, I have no idea if he actually did that. However, I will say that when “Teardrop” talks about distractions with regard to a football team, he is speaking from experience and with the aura of huge expertise. As a typical second-grader might say, “Takes one to know one…”
The question related to the Cowboys/Giants game that seems not to be under great scrutiny at the moment is a simple one. How can a team that had 12 – twelve, I say – Pro Bowl caliber players on the field lose to an injury-riddled team with an inconsistent – often called “choking” – QB? Here is the short answer. The Cowboys do not really have 12 Pro Bowl players; the voting for the Pro Bowl is as meaningless as the game itself and that is a high standard of irrelevancy to be sure. Roy Williams – for example – cannot cover a mattress with a bedspread and he is one of the NFC Pro Bowl safeties. Yeah, right…
Finally, here is another note from Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle:
“Clemens update: The Rocket, in his campaign to hold his breath and turn purple until everyone believes he didn’t use steroids, has just reached ‘mauve.’ “
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…