I would like to juxtapose two “stories” – - more like two tempests in a pair of spittoons – - that broke in the past couple of days. The first one is the announcement that Andy Roddick is engaged to be married to a young woman who was one of the SI swimsuit edition models. I heard more than one sports radio/TV commentator take the position that this is surprising. Their “reasoning” goes along the following line:
Andy Roddick is young, famous and hot.
He can “date” top-shelf women whenever he wants to.
So, why limit himself to one “hottie”?
I do not know Andy Roddick or his betrothed. Nevertheless, if they think they want to be married, I do not want to presume to object to their decision on the basis that it would be a better world if Andy Roddick chose to live a life where he goes around “boinking” different hot women week after week. These are adults; presumably, they are each smarter than a wedge of cheese; let them alone.
Now consider the “revelation” that Matt Leinart had a party at his home in Arizona where he and several young women – - all seemingly of age and of the “hot” persuasion” – - frolicked in a hot tub and drank beer from a beer bong. In that situation, Leinart has been ripped for abdicating his leadership role with his football team and for not realizing that pictures of this frolic could wind up on the Internet.
Excuse me, Matt Leinart is unmarried and young and famous and rich. Let us not hyperventilate over the fact that he – - like Andy Roddick – - has no great difficulty in finding young and attractive women to party with. Leinart had this party at his home – - not at some seedy strip club – - and there do not seem to have been any allegations of any wrongdoing stemming from that convocation.
So, Andy Roddick gets ripped for choosing to go down a path where he will limit his ability to hop in the sack with different young hotties every month while at the same time Matt Leinart gets ripped for choosing to have a bunch of young hotties over to his home for a party in the hot tub and “whatever” at some point later in the evening. Can we all cut back on the caffeine here please?
For at least five years now, the folks who run the government in the State of Minnesota have been wrestling with issues related to building sports stadia for teams there including the Twins and the Vikings and the University of Minnesota. The Twins have a new park under construction and the powers-that-be have decided that the Metrodome really does need to be replaced as a football venue. I do not want to weigh in on the argument regarding the rectitude of governments building luxury playpens for rich team owners or regarding the putative economic benefits that will accrue to a locality by the very presence of a new luxury playpen. I do think it is interesting that after all the wrangling and posturing and bloviating, the Minnesota State Senate decided that the best thing to do now was to authorize $2M to fund a study to advise them on the “best way to replace the Metrodome”.
Times are tight. So, with a full measure of the milk of human kindness, allow me to try to save the good people of Minnesota some coins. My consulting rate is $200/hr and I think the key recommendation to the State Senate would be this:
Step 1: Tear down the Metrodome.
Step 2: Build a replacement.
I think that entire thought process and the act of putting it in writing took me two minutes. At my prevailing billing rate, they can send me a check for $6.67 and move on. The people of Minnesota need not thank me; count this as the “Good Deed of the Month” to come out of Curmudgeon Central.
At the NFL Spring meetings, there was a huge hullabaloo over the idea that the league might try to pass a rule that would require players to keep their hair inside their helmets and not allow it to drape over their name on the back of their jerseys. Raiders’ fans should love that; they can see it as the next logical extension to the “Tuck Rule”. Other than that, this whole matter is silly.
The NFL fines players for not having their socks on properly. The NFL tries to control minutiae to a point where it is maddening. Yet, at the same time, there are allegations that the Pats were illegally taping opponents’ signals and practices and there is such blatant disregard for the tampering rules with regard to potential free agents that it is laughable. Nonetheless, the NFL focuses on hair length and the obscuration of names on jerseys?
The players are no better in this. Some reports have taken this down the road of an infringement on players freedom of expression – - they have an inalienable right to wear their hair howsoever they please. Enough already; this is not a confrontation that threatens the fabric of the US Constitution.
Here is another idea – - this time offered completely free of charge – - for the owners and players that will solve all of this. Have all the players take massive doses of steroids under the supervision of team, league and private physicians. The players will get bigger and stronger and better – - and they will lose their hair so it cannot possibly flop outside their helmets. Sounds like a plan to me…
Finally, Greg Cote summarized all of this “hair outside the helmet” nonsense succinctly in the Miami Herald:
“In NFL meetings in Palm Beach, the league is expected to enact a rule requiring players with long hair to keep it tucked inside their helmets, an indication the league has no serious business to attend.”
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…