The Sports Curmudgeon®

As NFL training camps opened, there was a surfeit of reporters in every camp in the league. That created an explosion of meaningless stories from around the country. In addition, when there was a story that might be interesting/important, this surfeit of reporters hopped on it and put it in about three bazillion outlets. An example of a story that was covered in an unusually large number of places was the fact that Lendale White reported to the Titans’ training camp at 228 pounds which is about 30-35 pounds lighter than he was last year – and even 10 weeks ago.

That is an interesting tidbit; it may be important because one of the “issues” surrounding Lendale White has been his “commitment” to football. Whatever. The part of the story that got me thinking was that White evidently told a reporter that the way he lost that weight was to stop drinking tequila.

I have exactly zero interest in joining into a discussion with any hominid on the planet about the mechanism of weight loss in humankind because there are too many people out there who have a cult-like set of beliefs about one kind of diet or another. I am a chemist by training and in any system that does not involve a nuclear reaction the First Law of Thermodynamics must be obeyed; kids learned that Law under a different name in seventh grade science; it is the Law of Conservation of Energy.

Lendale White lost 30+ pounds in something like 3 months by eliminating tequila from his diet? You do not want to do the calculation as to how much tequila he had to be consuming daily – or even hourly – to effect that weight loss with only that dietary modification. Let us just say that if that is all he did to change his caloric intake, his blood might have been 10-proof.

Nevertheless, what Lendale White did is not an easy thing for a human to do and so I started thinking about some other athletes (past and present) who might use Lendale White as a role model. Here are some that came to mind:

CC Sabathia: He is a really good pitcher but at some point, someone is going to calculate what the Yankees paid per pound to sign him for $160M.

Sid Fernandez: His caboose was anathema to the guys who operated the center field camera in MLB parks; when he pitched the catcher and the umpire often disappeared.

David Wells: When he sat down in the dugout, seismic sensors detected the event.

Aurelio Lopez (Señor Smoke): I had a baseball card of his in the 70s that said he weighed 190 lbs. When I saw him on the mound, I thought they had found a way to weigh him only from the waist down.

Bartolo Colon: Insert your own comment here related to the multiple meanings of the word “colon”.

Bob Wickman: You have to wonder how he finds his belt to take off his uniform to shower after a game.

Cecil and Prince Fielder: Father and son demonstrating the validity of Gregor Mendel’s pioneering research.

Mo Vaughn: He ate his way out of the major leagues.

Jared Lorenzen: Just consider his nicknames – “The Pillsbury Throwboy”, “J-Load”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ” (for Big Butted Quarterback) and “The Abominable Throwman”.

Scott Mitchell: He was Jared Lorenzen – - only slower.

Gilbert Brown: Yes, defensive lineman need to be big, but Gilbert was his own zip code.

Shaun Rogers: He may qualify for group health insurance all by himself.

Hollis Thomas: You could say he was built “low to the road”.

Grady Jackson: Water runs uphill faster than he does.

Tony Siragusa: Every time I see him on TV, I want to ask him if Han Solo ever paid off that IOU.

Arte Donovan: If he took up skydiving, astronomers could study the sun during solar eclipse conditions on a daily basis.

Sir Charles Barkley: Almost big enough to go into business selling shade.

Kevin Duckworth: His breakfast cereal bowl needed its own lifeguard.

John “Hot Plate” Williams: Ate his way out of the NBA.

Eddy Curry: In danger of eating is way out of the NBA.

Shawn Kemp: At the end of his career it looked as if was trying to smuggle watermelons in his pants.

Oliver Miller: Looked as if he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth.

Robert “Tractor” Traylor: His butt has its own Congressthing.

Butterbean: He needs to set up sawhorses and a platform in his driveway to iron his clothes.

Surely, that is not an all-inclusive list; but it gives you an idea of some folks who could have used a role model like Lendale White in the past or who can look to him now for inspiration.

Another athlete who has dropped significant avoirdupois is John Daly. Given all the other “issues” in his life, I surely would not suggest that anyone use him as a role model for anything other that weight loss.

Bud don’t get me wrong, I love sports…