Sports Curmudgeon

Here are the five worst teams in the NFL as of now:

Even with a new coach and coaching staff, the Detroit Lions continue to stink in every way possible including in the contrafacutal pluperfect subjunctive. They are 0-4 at the moment; they rank 13th in the NFC in defense and 12th in the NFC in offense. You'd think they'd be a lot better on offense considering all the offensive players they've drafted in the last four years. Oh, I forgot, Joey Harrington is sitting on the bench behind a floundering Duante Culpepper in Miami these days, Charles Rogers is pondering the intricacies of dealing with the folks in the unemployment office rather than with the nuances of route-running against a zone blitz and Mike Williams is thankful when he gets a chance to suit up for the game instead of being a "healthy scratch". Since Matt Millen was hired, the Lions are 21-63 which is a perfect 25% winning record. Let me channel Bill Walton here for a moment - - That's horrrrr- - uble.

The Miami Dolphins have one win this year - over the Tennessee Titans by a field goal. Duante Culpepper can't run anymore and he obviously hasn't achieved any degree of comfort in this offensive system or with his pass receivers. In the old comic strip, L'il Abner, events would often happen around the statue of General Jubilation T. Cornpone. That statue was as mobile as Duante Culpepper seems to be now. The Dolphins have to go on the road to New England and the Jets in the next two weeks after gagging away last week's game against the Texans. Then Miami catches a schedule break; they travel to Green Bay in a game even they might win.

Everyone will suffer along with the Dolphins and the Lions. How's that? Well, on Thanksgiving Day, the early game for everyone to watch will be Miami at Detroit. If the Over/Under for combined wins on that date for these two teams were 5.5, I'd take Under. And I want to take this opportunity to urge everyone to keep your emotions under some degree of control on Thanksgiving Day as you give thanks to the NFL and to CBS for granting you the privilege of watching this game while waiting for Aunt Maude and her new squeeze, B.O. Plenty, to arrive for dinner at Grandma's.

Tampa Bay is 0-3 at the moment and their season is over and done with because Chris Simms is gone. How bad are the backup QBs on the roster, Brad Gradowski and Tim Rattay? The team has been working out people like Tommy Maddox. If they ever get to the point where they bring in Jeff George and/or Ryan Leaf for a workout, you know that the pirate ship has sprung a humongous leak. The Bucs next three games are against the Saints, Bengals and Eagles who have a composite record of 9-3. The Bucs get the Saints a second time in Tampa on November 5 and Cleveland on Christmas Eve. Other than that, they look to be in a world of pain.

The Tennessee Titans host the Houston Texans two weeks from now after a bye week for the Titans. On December 10, they travel to Houston to play the Texans a second time. Those look to be the only games where the Titans will be less than a full touchdown underdog. Their final home game is on New Year's Eve against the Pats; I wish there were a way to count the actual number of people who show up for that game and stay until the end of the 3rd quarter; it would be interesting to see if that number was 40% of the stadium seating capacity.

And finally, we come to the Oakland Raiders. Even Roget would run out of adjectives to describe the level of abject incompetence this team has displayed so far the year. If you are a Raider fan, how much Pepto Bismol did it take between Sunday and Tuesday to settle down both ends of your alimentary canal after the Raiders barfed up an 18 point lead on the Cleveland Browns - no less - to lose the game 24-21? You say that's not so bad? Well, the quarterback for the Browns who led this surge is Charlie Frye and I really don't believe that there is any DNA evidence to suggest that he is closely related to John Elway. In addition, the Raiders were coming off a bye week and were at home against a pretty sorry Browns' team when they choked like one of Luca Brazzi's victims after he pulled out the piano wire. The Raiders offense still emphasizes the vertical passing game but they haven't found a way to prevent their QBs from being horizontal. Let me suggest a new team motto for this year's vintage of the Raiders:

Just win one, baby. Please! Enough about fetid NFL teams, let me move on to something happy, bright, and uplifting. ESPN has dropped ESPN Mobile; that means we won't have to watch any more commercials for that stupid phone service with the goofball stalker outside ESPN headquarters or with Trey Wingo pretending that this service is a good idea. Disney reportedly put more than $100M into the launching of this product and the best they could garner from that investment and from the product is an estimated $25-35M operating loss in less than a year. The level of real-time data that phone service could deliver seems to be more than your friendly local bookie would need to know; it's not surprising that they couldn't foist this off on the general public.

In case the folks at Disney or ESPN haven't figured this out, my motivation to opt to switch cell phone carriers and/or plans relies on one of two main reasons:

Secondary Reason: Significant savings every month.

Reason #6,354 to switch: Annoying interruptions on my life related to myriad sporting events happening around the nation.

But every silver lining has a cloud around it… If ESPN won't be filling up airtime with ads for ESPN Mobile, then we'll get to see even more promos for Monday Night Football. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe ESPN could do another movie like The Junction Boys and promote that to death for a while. At least that would provide some variety.

Finally, an observation from Jerry Greene in the Orlando Sentinel:

"Hey, Bryant Gumbel: If Gene Upshaw has been such a whipped-dog union leader, why is it rumored he is about to be given a five-year extension?"

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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		Sports Curmudgeon: 10/5/06

		Here are the five worst teams in the NFL as of now: 5. Detroit Lions 4. Miami Dolphins 3. Tampa Bay Bucs 2. Tennessee Titans 1. Oakland Raiders Even with a new coach and coaching staff, the Detroit Lions continue to stink in every way possible including in the contrafacutal pluperfect subjunctive. They are 0-4 at the moment; they rank 13th in the NFC in defense and 12th in the NFC in offense. You'd think they'd be a lot better on offense considering all the offensive players they've drafted in the last four years. Oh, I forgot, Joey Harrington is sitting on the bench behind a floundering Duante Culpepper in Miami these days, Charles Rogers is pondering the intricacies of dealing with the folks in the unemployment office rather than with the nuances of route-running against a zone blitz and Mike Williams is thankful when he gets a chance to suit up for the game instead of being a "healthy scratch". Since Matt Millen was hired, the Lions are 21-63 which is a perfect 25% winning record. Let me channel Bill Walton here for a moment - - That's horrrrr- - uble. The Miami Dolphins have one win this year - over the Tennessee Titans by a field goal. Duante Culpepper can't run anymore and he obviously hasn't achieved any degree of comfort in this offensive system or with his pass receivers. In the old comic strip, L'il Abner, events would often happen around the statue of General Jubilation T. Cornpone. That statue was as mobile as Duante Culpepper seems to be now. The Dolphins have to go on the road to New England and the Jets in the next two weeks after gagging away last week's game against the Texans. Then Miami catches a schedule break; they travel to Green Bay in a game even they might win. Everyone will suffer along with the Dolphins and the Lions. How's that? Well, on Thanksgiving Day, the early game for everyone to watch will be Miami at Detroit. If the Over/Under for combined wins on that date for these two teams were 5.5, I'd take Under. And I want to take this opportunity to urge everyone to keep your emotions under some degree of control on Thanksgiving Day as you give thanks to the NFL and to CBS for granting you the privilege of watching this game while waiting for Aunt Maude and her new squeeze, B.O. Plenty, to arrive for dinner at Grandma's. Tampa Bay is 0-3 at the moment and their season is over and done with because Chris Simms is gone. How bad are the backup QBs on the roster, Brad Gradowski and Tim Rattay? The team has been working out people like Tommy Maddox. If they ever get to the point where they bring in Jeff George and/or Ryan Leaf for a workout, you know that the pirate ship has sprung a humongous leak. The Bucs next three games are against the Saints, Bengals and Eagles who have a composite record of 9-3. The Bucs get the Saints a second time in Tampa on November 5 and Cleveland on Christmas Eve. Other than that, they look to be in a world of pain. The Tennessee Titans host the Houston Texans two weeks from now after a bye week for the Titans. On December 10, they travel to Houston to play the Texans a second time. Those look to be the only games where the Titans will be less than a full touchdown underdog. Their final home game is on New Year's Eve against the Pats; I wish there were a way to count the actual number of people who show up for that game and stay until the end of the 3rd quarter; it would be interesting to see if that number was 40% of the stadium seating capacity. And finally, we come to the Oakland Raiders. Even Roget would run out of adjectives to describe the level of abject incompetence this team has displayed so far the year. If you are a Raider fan, how much Pepto Bismol did it take between Sunday and Tuesday to settle down both ends of your alimentary canal after the Raiders barfed up an 18 point lead on the Cleveland Browns - no less - to lose the game 24-21? You say that's not so bad? Well, the quarterback for the Browns who led this surge is Charlie Frye and I really don't believe that there is any DNA evidence to suggest that he is closely related to John Elway. In addition, the Raiders were coming off a bye week and were at home against a pretty sorry Browns' team when they choked like one of Luca Brazzi's victims after he pulled out the piano wire. The Raiders offense still emphasizes the vertical passing game but they haven't found a way to prevent their QBs from being horizontal. Let me suggest a new team motto for this year's vintage of the Raiders: Just win one, baby. Please! Enough about fetid NFL teams, let me move on to something happy, bright, and uplifting. ESPN has dropped ESPN Mobile; that means we won't have to watch any more commercials for that stupid phone service with the goofball stalker outside ESPN headquarters or with Trey Wingo pretending that this service is a good idea. Disney reportedly put more than $100M into the launching of this product and the best they could garner from that investment and from the product is an estimated $25-35M operating loss in less than a year. The level of real-time data that phone service could deliver seems to be more than your friendly local bookie would need to know; it's not surprising that they couldn't foist this off on the general public. In case the folks at Disney or ESPN haven't figured this out, my motivation to opt to switch cell phone carriers and/or plans relies on one of two main reasons: Primary Reason: Better/wider area/more reliable phone service. Secondary Reason: Significant savings every month. Reason #6,354 to switch: Annoying interruptions on my life related to myriad sporting events happening around the nation. But every silver lining has a cloud around it… If ESPN won't be filling up airtime with ads for ESPN Mobile, then we'll get to see even more promos for Monday Night Football. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe ESPN could do another movie like The Junction Boys and promote that to death for a while. At least that would provide some variety. Finally, an observation from Jerry Greene in the Orlando Sentinel: "Hey, Bryant Gumbel: If Gene Upshaw has been such a whipped-dog union leader, why is it rumored he is about to be given a five-year extension?" But don't get me wrong, I love sports... << Back to the Recent Rants Index = Home = Recent = Topical = Wagers = = Archives = Pros = Scores = Contact =