3/3/04 - This is a really goofy idea. Please notice I did not start out here with something cutesy and say that it was it was an idea out of left field or off-the-wall. Assuming that you have read some of the stuff I have put forth previously, that might make you sit back and catch your breath. I know that I have a lot of ideas that are on the edge of any issue, so I feel fully qualified to warn you that this one is potentially outrageous.

There are several attorneys who are regular readers of these rants and I expect to hear from at least some of them about this idea. If they can convince me that I am completely off target, I'll summarize their obviously more cogent points at a later time.

Here's the problem. Baseball's credibility/integrity is being questioned by lots of folks in the media and by at least a few fans. The issue that seems to have kicked this snowball over the cliff is the BALCO case and the revelations that some of the top names in the game – who also happen to have some recent ties to the Oakland/SF area where BALCO labs are – have had some contact/dealings with BALCO. For the record, I don't know if any of these players have taken illegal steroids or legal steroids or designer steroids or any performance enhancing substances other than Viagra. But the cloud is gathering because of the associations here and because of the failure of drug testing by 5-7% of the players last year when they knew the testing was coming and because of the accusations of some players regarding other players and because of the intransigence of the union.

So, we need to break the logjam and most writers say that there is nothing to be done because Don Fehr and Gene Orza are the people running baseball and they are accountable to no one. They even brushed aside a call from the President to come to the White House for a “drug summit” on the basis that their drug testing policies are a matter of collective bargaining and not under the purview of the Federal Government. If instead they had just said that it was a political daylong photo op and they preferred not to cooperate, I'd have given them a lot more points.

Under that same Collective Bargaining Agreement, which they claim isolates them from meddlesome government folks, is another potentially interesting provision. It recognizes the authorities of the Commissioner of Baseball to take acts that are in the best interest of baseball. This has a long tradition back to Kennesaw Mountain Landis and even held sway during the rise of the union's power when Bowie Kuhn voided Charlie Finley's fire sale of players from Oakland. And so here is the goofy idea.

Commissioner Bud Selig needs to put on a decent suit and a tie that looks as if he bought it somewhere other than at a Salvation Army Thrift Store and get a haircut from someone with vision that has been measured to be better than 20/200 and hold a press conference. At that conference, here is his script:

Ladies and gentlemen, the last time the reputation of baseball was in such a dangerous position was after the World Series of 1919. I believe that something needs to be done to change the vector of the negative publicity and innuendo that surrounds the game. Others do not believe that is as important as I do but there is one difference between us; I am the Commissioner and they are not. [Nice touch would be to have Chevy Chase on stage with him for this line.]

I have the responsibility and the authority to act in the best interest of baseball and I am announcing now that I am going to do that. I want to take those activities that are outside the rules of baseball which are done with the idea of gaining an unfair advantage and remove them from the game.

And so I am announcing that I will ban from baseball people who have violated rules of the game designed to gain them an unfair advantage. These bans will take effect at 12:01 AM tomorrow morning.

Banned from baseball means no contact with teams and admission to baseball parks and games is only effected by the purchase of a ticket just like every other fan. If anyone needs specific guidance on this mater, I'll provide you with Pete Rose's cell phone number after this press conference. These bans are not lifetime bans; they are to last only until I have finished an investigation that will assure me that all the salient facts are in one place and then they will be revealed to the public.

The first player to be banned is Sammy Sosa for using a corked bat in a baseball game. That he did so is undeniable. That we have all the salient facts regarding the use of corked bats by Mr. Sosa and other players is not clear to me. Until it is clear to me, Mr. Sosa is banned from baseball.

The next set of bans from baseball will be each and every player who tested positive for steroids last year. Certainly all the facts are not known in that arena. I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work to assemble all the facts but I will need some assistance here.

The next set of bans from baseball will be each and every player who tested positive for any illegal substance last year and the ban will last until the proper legal authorities decide whether or not to prosecute the individual. At that point, I will assume that the proper people know all the salient facts.

Any pitcher caught doctoring a baseball illegally this year will be banned and any umpire who does not enforce the rules stringently and who does not retain evidence of any doctored baseballs will similarly be banned. Those bans will not be lifted quickly or easily, let me assure you.

The final bans from baseball will be lifetime bans and will go for each and every player who tests positive for any banned substance this year. That is to assure the fans that someone takes this seriously and to raise the average IQ of the players in the game by about 30 points. Anyone getting caught this year has to be dumber than a bag of hair.

I am willing to move quickly to resolve these bans but I need some cooperation from the union. I don't want capitulation; I want cooperation. Something has to be done and the union has stonewalled everything else so this is my action as of today.

All of the players to be banned as of tomorrow morning and their agents and the union officials will be informed via fax from my office within the next two hours. Thank you for your time and attention.

Obviously, the union will scream bloody murder and the civil libertarians will scream about innocent until proven guilty and double jeopardy in the case of Sammy Sosa and I'm sure that Congress will want to hold hearings faster than a donut would disappear from a plate in front of Sally Struthers. But think for just a moment.

Shoeless Joe Jackson was exonerated in a court of law back in the 1920s of any criminal behavior associated with the Black Sox scandal; he still remains “banned from baseball”. There is at least 80 years of precedence that “legal innocence” is not equivalent to being “eligible for baseball”. If going to court for such a ruling were so simple, why would not Joe Jackson's family and heirs go to court and get it done?

I know that hypocrisy is not something that would embarrass Fehr or Orza very much, but it would be fun to poke sticks at them in their cages as they ask for relief from a part of the government that they just said had no place in this discussion because it was part of their sacred Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Guess how quickly someone like Barry Bonds is going to start to look for ways to get that ban lifted. He is chasing history. The clock is ticking. No matter if he did use steroids or did not use steroids, he has to find a way to get back into the game quickly because he can't do a multi-year court fight/banishment and still have a way to beat Hank Aaron's record. And if it means that he has to put some pressure on Fehr and Orza to cooperate and not capitulate, then he just might have some conversations with them that have a different tone to them than ones he may have had in the past.

Will this work? I don't know. But it is different from the standard ideas offered up as to how to make something happen here. Maybe it will spark some new discussion and debate?

But to get out of this topic on a lighter note, let me give you a line from comedy writer Jerry Perisho who was talking about José Canseco's failed tryout with the Dodgers:

“Canseco was evaluated by former Dodgers' manager, Tommy LaSorda. It was great seeing the two of them together. There was evidence that steroids can make you big and there was evidence that linguini can too.”

But don't get me wrong, I love sports...

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