1/13/03 - My long-suffering wife has always said that New Year's Eve is her least favorite holiday; it never delivers on the expectations. According to her, all of the hype and all of the advertising would lead you to believe that a date for New Year's Eve will miraculously allow you to find a beautiful dress, improve your sex life and turn you into a fabulous dancer. But it never turns out that way.
I kind of feel that way about the Super Bowl game because, more often than not, the game is a clunker. Oh, there have been some great games, but most of them are mediocre at best.
Thankfully, we only have a one-week gap this year between the conference championships and the Super Bowl game itself so that the duration of the hype will be halved. We can be thankful for that. And this year, even if the game is a stinker, we have something else we can surely be thankful for.
The Super Bowl is an event where companies trot out new advertisements and new ad campaigns. It will cost them something in the neighborhood of $2M for a 30 second spot so the companies and their agencies really try to put their best foot forward. And that is what we have to be thankful for because the ads and promos on football games now are really bad. In fact, some would need to be twice as good as they are to earn the description, "LAME!"
The car commercial with the kid who looks like his parents abandoned him here on Earth while they zoomed off in their intergalactic cruiser with the chorus of zombies chanting "Zoom, Zoom, Zoom" is old and tired. It was annoying the first time it was shown; it did not mellow with age. The kid tells us, "Sumpum's up." Yeah, hopefully, the jig is up for that set of ads. BTW, I can't recall now what brand of car he is trying to push; I'm sure I could go look it up, but I won't. The manufacturer ought to be happy that I won't because if I did, it would assure that I would go find some other nameplate to buy.
The ad for Dr. Pepper where Garth Brooks sits on the set of an old Western movie and plays his guitar and tells you to "Be original!" is moronic and oxymoronic. If I were going to be original, why the hell would I drink Dr. Pepper just because he does – or says he does? Then he closes by saying/singing, "Be you; do what you do." And just what other choice might I have? For the record, if I had a choice, I promise I would not be him or do what he does.
I am really happy that Jared Fogle lost 245lbs by eating Subway sandwiches. I'm not sure I completely believe that was the sum and substance of his weight loss regimen, but he seems like a nice enough kid… However, his fifteen minutes are over and done with. The thought that he will hang onto his "career" by singing as part of a choir behind other "former fatties" is frightening. Please note; he is in the back row of the chorus that sings to and about Clay Henry. Look at it this way Jared, if you had kept on the weight, you could be an OL in the NFL and make a bundle. And if you found a woman just like you, you could have gone on Jerry Springer as King and Queen Kong.
Several psychologists are regular readers of these rants; in fact they have been readers since before I went on the Internet. I'm sure that they will shake their heads at my next comment and merely make another mental note about what they will say when asked to describe my "typical mental state." I am offended by the question, "What can Brown do for you?" The reason is that I immediately picture something that is terribly scatological and my answer is that it can destroy one's social stature if it shows up in public.
Lately, there is an ad for a new SUV made by Porsche. That alone is enough to be annoying. Porsche and Ferrari and Lamborghini have no business making SUVs any more than Jeep and Hummer should make cars that will race at LeMans. That's just wrong. To add to the annoyance, some goomer driving a Winnebago decides to get a better look at the stupid SUV by leaving the driver's seat and walking to the back of the vehicle so he can peek out through the Venetian blinds. A small note at the bottom of the screen tells you not to do this in your own motor home. Given my observations about the driving acumen of people with motor homes, I think that may cause confusion. These goomers may think that they should not put down the blinds because it obstructs the view instead of getting the message that they should always stay at the wheel while the vehicle is in motion!
As bad as the current set of advertisements may be, the promotions for other TV programs are even worse. I saw a promo for an upcoming made-for-TV movie about Benedict Arnold. The role of George Washington is played by Kelsey Grammar; yes, that Kelsey Grammar; there aren't two of them. I can only conclude from this casting decision that Eminem was busy.
All last weekend, I had to hear about the upcoming People's Choice Awards. This extravaganza has to set new standards for time wasting by viewers, participants and producers; and to make it worse, they kept telling me that it would be hosted by Tony Danza. Excuse me, but if the people had any real choice in the matter, Tony Danza would not be on their TV screens.
Joe Millionaire has just got to be the dumbest premise for a TV show since My Mother the Car. In addition to the fact that the women finalists are being set up to look like gold-diggers, there is a level of incredulity to the whole thing that at least one of the female participants should see through. The guy is supposedly worth $50M and he decides to find a wife by participating in a TV competition… Yeah. That happens every fortnight or so. What motivation does he have to let a TV company select the universe of women from whom he will find a bride? Money? I don't think so - unless of course he isn't worth $50M… Oh, and by the way, if I were worth $50M and decided to run a competition for a bride there are two things that would obtain:
- They would look a whole lot better than the hottest ones in this crowd.
- They would be a whole lot smarter than everyone in this crowd added together.
So even if the Super Bowl game is disappointing in the same way my wife thinks New Year's Eve is disappointing, the changing of the guard on the advertisements that we will be seeing on sporting events has to be an improvement. They couldn't possibly make worse ones, could they?
But don't get me wrong, I love sports...
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